Sex101
Chapter Eleven
Spike went from the UC Sunnydale campus right to Willy's. He needed something like good booze to help him get through this crisis and while Willy had nothing like good booze, what he offered would still help to calm the ache inside of him.
Being with Willow was getting harder each time they had one of their "lessons". He knew he'd hurt her by not taking their lesson farther tonight but a part of him couldn't help holding back. If he had a chance to get the chip removed…
But what would he do then? Leave Sunnydale? Leave Willow? He really wanted to give this relationship a shot - she seemed a perfect match for him with her shy demeanor masking inner fire. She had as much passion as he did and finding a woman who could match him was something he'd never been able to do.
But she'd never be with him if he started killing again. He could get the chip out and not kill, he supposed - but would his word be good enough for the slayer?
Somehow he doubted it. So instead of sitting in his crypt and brooding - something he despised doing - he went to Willy's, hoping to find something to occupy his thoughts other than the beautiful redhead who'd been on his mind too often of late.
He was delighted to find a poker game in session. Clem and several of the boys were playing and didn't mind letting Spike join the game. He had no kittens to ante him in, but they all knew Spike was good for them. Spike never welshed on a bet, something that held him in good stead with the fellas, even when his demon hunting ways sometimes set him against the underworld.
Spike won the first round, gaining three kittens in the deal. He used those to increase his winnings, even earning himself over a hundred dollars in real money when Lester, the slog demon, ran out of kittens but was convinced that his straight flush would win him the pot. Spike had four of a kind and had no problem taking Lester's money.
The game broke up a little after two and Spike offered to buy Clem a drink at the bar. They sat and talked and Clem asked how the slayer and her pals were doing. Spike, by now much more relaxed than he had been when he came in, said they were fine but felt funny lying to Clem about Willow. Willow wasn't fine, he knew that for certain.
Another drink led to a full confession - about Willow, about the bet, about everything, even how he'd felt like he'd lost his finesse with women after Drusilla's desertion. Lester, sitting down the bar from the pair and not one to let an honest defeat at poker get him down, chimed in that perhaps Spike was falling in love with Willow, and that's why he felt bad about the bet.
Spike tried to deny it, but Willy, who'd seen Spike in his early days in Sunnydale when he was still in love with Drusilla, said Spike had the look of a vamp in love. Clem agreed. It took another bottle of scotch before Spike was ready to admit that yes, the chit was getting to him. He talked about her beautiful green eyes and how smart she was in school. He praised her magical abilities - leaving out the disastrous spell where she'd had him kissing the slayer - and spoke, at length, about the inherent rightness he felt whenever he was with her.
Sam, a newly risen vampire who'd been in Sunnydale all his life and knew about the slayer, said that he'd gone to school with Willow and her friends and had always had a small crush on the studious redhead. Spike wanted to stake him but had no stake, so he told him he could live if he never looked in Willow's direction again. Sam agreed and beat a hasty retreat.
Clem tried to convince Spike that he should go to Anya and call off the bet but Spike was reluctant. If there was a chance he could get rid of the chip…
Clem finally made things clear by asking Spike a question. Which was more important to Spike, the chip or the girl?
"Because that's what it'll come down to, Spike," Clem had said. "Willow will never be with you if you're killing again and the slayer will have to stake you anyway if there's a chance you might. She can't let the slayer of slayers live if you have your bite back. So which do you want more? Your bite, and leaving Sunnydale - or staying, but you get the girl of your dreams?"
Clem always did have a way of cutting through the crap and getting to the heart of the matter.
Willow, while Spike was pondering his future with the patrons of Willy's, was restless and unable to sleep. She tried to get ahead on her Psychology homework, but her thoughts were too scattered and she couldn't concentrate.
She'd done things with Spike that she'd never even considered doing with Oz. She felt so comfortable with him; he made everything so easy. He made her feel… wanted, and special and well, beautiful. He made her think that she could do anything, as long as he was there to keep her safe.
She admitted to herself - finally - that she might be falling for Spike. Her thoughts whenever she went to use her vibrator always strayed to Spike - not Oz, not Xander, not even John Cusack. Any time she tried to concentrate and get in the mood using any image but his, she got nowhere. What got her off was Spike; she could admit that now. Not that she could confide this secret to anyone else. Buffy would never understand.
But why couldn't Spike love her back? She'd thought he was warming to her - he really seemed to want her tonight while they were together at his crypt. He'd said things and done things and she'd felt this undeniable attraction…
And then he'd let her go. She'd given him an opening and he'd turned her down. Not that his kisses weren't earth shattering but she'd wanted more. Wanted him to touch her and take her and make love to her. But he hadn't.
Was it her fault? She'd gone to him for lessons and stressed - in the beginning - that they'd have a very limited relationship. Maybe he didn't know that she was okay with letting it go farther now. Maybe he didn't realize that she was ready to move on from Oz, that she was ready to see if a relationship between them could work. But if she let that happen, then her friends would have to know - she'd have to tell them because keeping Spike as a dirty little secret was not something she was willing to do.
He'd helped them, fought beside them and saved all their lives. He deserved a second chance. She'd bring this up at the next Scooby meeting. She'd tell them that she'd gotten to know Spike better - she wouldn't have to say how - and she'd petition to let him into the Scoobies. Anya was a former demon and she was allowed in, it only seemed fair that Spike, as an ex-baddie, be given the same shot. Once they'd acknowledged and accepted him, she'd slowly build up to letting them know that she and Spike were a couple now.
But what if he didn't want to be a couple? What if he wasn't interested in a relationship with her and she'd just misread all the signals she thought he was sending out? What if all of this was a big misunderstanding and he didn't really want to be with her, he was just being a friend like he'd said and was helping her out with a problem but really didn't want to take it further?
She let out the breath she'd been holding. One step at a time. No matter what happened, he'd earned the right to be a Scooby. She'd tackle that hurdle first. Then she'd talk to him and see if she'd been right and he seemed to want what she wanted. Closeness. Tenderness. Affection. Maybe even love.
Could Spike really want all those things? With her?