I Don't Think It's Love


pairing: Spike/Buffy to Spike/Willow
genre: romance
rating: Adult
time frame: during the Spuffy badness of s6 BtVS
notes: series of 5 drabbles written for Fanfic Fiesta
summary: Spike knows love is painful. Witness Angelus and Drusilla and Buffy. So what he feels for Willow can't possibly be love.


Spike POV

1. I'm not what you hoped
         ~ Charles Semones // The Ravisher
2. ...that fatal row of buttons being undone ever so slowly one by one.
        ~ Mary Mackey // Don't Start Something You Can't Finish
3. In the beat of moons, not seconds, he stroked her, so say the Scriptures.
         ~ William Kotzwinkle // Jewel of the Moon
4. ...aware all along of what can and will happen in darkness.
        ~ Grace Mattern // Happen in Darkness
5. Sometimes at night I hear her humming as she learns.
         ~ David Fisher // Ann

The Plea
Word Count: 183

I'm not what you hoped, I know this. But I can't seem to stop, can't seem to change, can't seem to become the monster you need me ta be. You say I make you feel. The problem is... you make me feel as well. Feel things I haven't felt since... things I've never felt. I can't say you make me feel like a man because when I was a man, I never felt this. Never felt this need to possess, this need to protect, this need to not let anything or anyone ever touch you but me. I can't explain it - bloody hell, I don't even understand it m'self.

But I do feel, no matter how many times you say I can't. I do. I would do anythin' to change it, to become what you need me ta be -- but then we wouldn't be here, would we? So maybe I wouldn't. I'm goin' in circles.

Just be here with me, Buffy, just be here with me and feel again. I'll try to be anythin' you need. Anything, just so you're here with me.

Her Salvation
Word Count: 250

I awoke to see that fatal row of buttons being undone ever so slowly one by one. She was here again. And, as before, she didn't want to be here. Something deep inside her made her come and something deep inside me made me hope it was love. But I knew it wasn't.

I lay still, waiting to see what she would do. Her hands moved slower and slower and she looked around the crypt as if hoping for something, some excuse to make her stop. Something, anything, to give her an excuse to keep her from the bed of the evil, dead thing.



Her salvation came in the form of a small human young woman, Willow Rosenberg by name. To me she'll always be 'Red'.

"Spike, are you... Oh! Um, Buffy, what... what are you..."

"I was just leaving," Buffy stammers while grabbing her coat and holding it ta her chest to cover the half undone row of buttons. "Spike didn't - he didn't have any information for me."

"Oh." Red watched Buffy leave.

Buffy was so busy thinking of an excuse for being here, that she never asked Red why she was wandering in in the middle of the night.

"Spike?" Red says, standing by my bed. "I know you're awake."

I open my eyes and look up into the most beautiful green eyes.

As she quickly unbuttons her blouse, she says, "Sorry it took me so long, I couldn't get Dawn to go to sleep."

Word Count: 293

"In the beat of moons, not seconds, he stroked her, so say the Scriptures."

Sounds silly, I know, 'specially comin' from the evil undead. But the other night, when Buffy didn't show, I went for a walk, hopin' to work off some of m' energy with a good spot o' violence. Thing is, I got clocked from behind when I'm fightin' a Frosoloch demon. When I wake up, I'm in m' crypt, in m' bed, an Red's leanin' over me wipin' my face off with a wet towel.

Don't know what made me do it, but I kissed 'er - and here's the kicker - she kissed me back.

Before you can say "Bob's yer uncle", we're tearin' each others clothes off and I'm spoutin' poetry like I'm that soddin' wanker, William Pratt. And she's lovin' it! I laid some Keats on her and a little Dylan Thomas and she's just - well, she liked it, let's just keep it at that. I can be a gentleman when the need calls.

And tonight, it was just the same. Truth to tell, much as I love Buffy, I didn't want her to stay when she came by earlier. I know what I feel for her, but when I'm with her, it should be like this, like it is with Red. But its not.

Tonight, when Red came in, I was wary. I was afraid she'd have some big regretful speech planned, that's why I pretended ta be asleep still.

But now, after one round of lovemaking is done and I hold her in my arms and my brain is rememberin' some Coleridge I read in my teens and some Oscar Wilde I read a few years ago, I can't help but feel... maybe this is what's right.

It's Not
Word Count: 226

Every night for twenty-six nights, she's come ta me. Aware all along of what can and will happen in darkness. But still she comes.

Buffy still stops by, but I always manage to think of an excuse for us not to... well, you know. I just - I don't want to, ya know, not with Buffy. I'm not what she needs and I've given up tryin' ta be. And she seems happier now. At least, Red says she is. And Red is... astounding. Every night she surprises me with somethin' she says or somethin' she does.

I don't know what I feel for her; I don't think it's love. It's not like what I felt for Buffy or even what I felt for Dru. But she makes me... happy, and isn't that ironic? And I think I make her happy too, which is even stranger. I want to show 'er the world. I want to hold 'er in my arms and keep her safe. And I don't seem to want to turn 'er, which is damned odd, but then, it's probably just a side effect of the chip. I could spend every minute of every day and every night in Red's company and I don't think I'd ever get bored or tired of 'er.

I don't know what it is, but it's not love.

It's not.

My Girl
Word Count: 262

We came out to her friends today. I think the Slayer kinda knew. For that last month, every time she's stopped by the crypt, Red's been there. I thought I was goin' t' remain another dirty little secret, but with Red, I didn't mind. Because when we're alone, she never treats me like she's ashamed o' me. In fact, the other night we were out walkin' and she stopped a nasty from getting a piece of her by tellin' it that her boyfriend was William the Bloody and as soon I was done stakin' the vamp that jumped out at us, I was gonna kick his butt for messin' with his - my - girlfriend. What do ya know?

Then today the Watcher makes us look up some blue meanie that got a paw on the Slayer and soon as Red finds it on her internet database, she jumps up and kisses me. In front o' the whelp and everybody. The dough boy started to say something but my girl just turns and gives 'em something she calls 'er 'Resolve Face' - doesn't look the least bit scary if ya ask me, but nobody did. Shut 'em all right up. Handy thing, that. Even if it's more adorable than frightening.

So now we're cozy in my crypt for two - should think about gettin' a real place, shouldn't I? I'm havin' an evenin' snack while m' girl studies for some exam or other that she's got on the morrow. Sometimes at night I hear her humming as she learns.

Smart girl, she is. Picked me, didn't she?

The End